Into Macalania Woods
by Ciopi Mo
Summary: Sondheim meets Spira! And hilarity ensues...we hope. Complete!
1. Wishes

Into Macalania Woods

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For Mousling

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Author's note/Disclaimer:

Okay, so this is for my own amusement. So if no one else is amused, well, that's okay. Anyway, ignore any relationships from the game. I'm just plugging in settings and personalities. (IE Braska isn't Yuna's father, Jecht isn't Tidus' father, etc.) Needless to say, the timeline of the game doesn't apply. Oh, and I ran out of female characters, so I decided instead of having children, Donna would just clone herself. This seems like a Donna thing to do, and I like it better than just plugging in "Random Al Bhed girl 1." Also, I'm pretending Anima isn't an Aeon. At least for now. And no Kimarhi. I just couldn't figure out where to put him. Oops. And Seymour is the Baker's wife for comic effect-I do not intend to explain how he and Braska have a child. Ask Lulu.

I do not own, nor did I invent, any of these wonderful charcters. Square owns them. And Stephen Sondheim et. al. are responsible for 99% of the script. Please don't sue me! Then again, this is fanfic.net, so hopefully, it's all happy and good. 

Off we go…

Original Spira Cast: 

Narrator: Maechen (The "that, as they say, is that" guy)

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Cinderella:Yuna

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Jack:Tidus

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Baker: Braska

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Baker's Wife: Seymour

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Cinderella's Stepmother:Donna

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Florinda: Donna clone 1 (a blonde)

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Lucinda: Donna clone 2 (a redhead)

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Jack's Mother: Wakka

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Little Red: Rikku

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Witch: Lulu

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Cinderella's Father: Baltero (Donna's guard)

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Cinderella's Mother: Belgimine (the helpful unsent summoner)

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Mysterious Man: Maester Mica

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Wolf: Jecht

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Rapunzel: Shiva

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Rapunzel's Prince: Rin

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Grandmother: Anima (I can't find out if this was Seymour's mother's actual name, or just the Aeon's. Let me know if you know her real name.)

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Cinderella's Prince: Auron

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Steward: Cid

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Giant: Yunalesca (but giant!)

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Milky White: Rumoluf, the chocobo

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Snow White: Shelinda

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Sleeping Beauty: That one crusader who was killed at operation Mi'ihen

Act One

Scene One: Prologue

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[A small village in the Calm Lands. A young girl of 17 or so is sweeping the front steps to one hut. Nearby, a well-built young man of around the same age with a vague expression is attempting to feed a pathetic looking chocobo. All is well to all appearances. However, suddenly a small mysterious man appears. He speaks four fateful words:]

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Maechen:Once upon a time—

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Yuna:I wish... 

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Maechen:--in a land called Spira—

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Yuna:More than anything... 

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Maechen:--lived a young maiden—

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Yuna:More than life... 

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Maechen:--a sad young lad—

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Yuna:More than save spheres... 

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Tidus:I wish... 

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Maechen:--and a childless shopkeeper—

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Tidus:More than blitzballs... 

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Yuna, Braska:I wish... 

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Maechen:--with his…er, wife.

(A/N: _Um…there's a lot of gender bending. I'm not going to explain it all away. You're smart-I'm sure you'll figure it all out.)_

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Tidus:More than anything... 

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Yuna, Braska, and Tidus:More than the stars... 

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Seymour:I wish...

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Yuna:The Maesters are giving a Festival. 

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Braska, Seymour:More than life… 

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Tidus:I wish...

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Yuna:I wish to go to the Festival—

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Braska, Seymour:More than riches… 

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Yuna:--and the Ball.

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Tidus:I wish my chocobo would eat.

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Yuna, Seymour:More than anything… 

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Braska:I wish we had a child. 

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Tidus [_to chocobo_]:Please, girl—

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Seymour:I want a child… 

[_The chocobo coughs pathetically_]

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Tidus:Don't wheeze, girl— 

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Yuna:I wish to go to the Festival. 

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Tidus: [_Overlapping_]:I wish you'd eat some greens. Or even cheese…

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Braska, Seymour [_Overlapping_]:I wish we might have a child. 

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All Four:I wish… 

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Donna [_to Yuna_]:You wish to go to the Festival? 

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Maechen:The poor girl's mother had died—

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Donna:You, Yuna, the Festival? You wish to go to the Festival? 

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Blonde [_Over_]:What, you, Yuna, the Festival? The Festival?! 

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Redhead [_Over_]:What, you wish to go to the Festival?! 

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All Three:The Festival?! The Maesters' Festival!!!??? 

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Maechen:--and her father had taken for his new wife—

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Donna:The Festival!!!??? 

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Maechen:--a woman with two "daughters" of her own. 

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Blonde:Look at your nails! 

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Redhead:Look at your dress! 

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Donna:People would laugh at you—

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Yuna:Nevertheless—

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Yuna: **Clones**: **Donna**: 

I still wish to go You still wish to go She still wants to go

To the Festival-- To the Festival—To the Festival.

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Clones, Donna:--and dance before the monks?! 

[_They chortle with laughter musically, then cackle out of control_.]

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Maechen:All three were beautiful of face, but vile and black of heart. Tidus, on the other hand, had no father, and his "mother"—

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Wakka:I wish… 

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Maechen:Well, "she" was not quite beautiful—

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Wakka:I wish my son were not a fool. 

I wish the hut was not a mess. 

I wish the chocobo would run. 

I wish the Aurochs would win at Blitzball—

I wish a lot of things, ya? 

[_to Tidus_] Stupid Tidus! What the heck are you tryin' to feed the chocobo?!?? 

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Tidus:Well, she's not eating the greens, so I thought maybe I should try some other foods.

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Wakka:But fire gems aren't food, ya?

[_The chocobo burps and a puff of smoke comes out of its beak. There are two knocks on Braska's door; Seymour opens it. It is a small flighty Al Bhed girl trailed by a cactaur. Her name is Rikku_.] 

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Seymour:Why, come in, my dear. 

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Rikku:I wish... 

It's not for me, 

It's for my granny in the woods. 

An elixir, please—

To bring my poor old sickly Granny in the woods... 

[_Insistent_] Just an elixir, please...

[_Braska gives her an elixir_.] 

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Maechen:Donna had a surprise for Yuna.

[_Donna throws a pot of miniature save spheres into the fire pit_] 

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Donna: I have emptied these spheres into the ashes for you. If you have picked them out again in two hours' time, you shall go to the Ball with us. 

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Rikku [_Seeing some food_]:And perhaps a sticky bun? Or four… 

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Yuna:Fayth in the sky, fayth in the eaves,

In the leaves, 

In the fields, 

In the castles and ponds… 

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Rikku: Cikyn! May I have some more? 

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Braska [_to Seymour_]:Is she eating butter?

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Yuna [_Over_]:Come, my aeons, 

Down from the eaves 

And the leaves, 

Over fields, 

Out of castles and ponds…

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Tidus:No! 

[_The chocobo tries to eat Tidus' blitzball and fails_]

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Yuna [_summoning her aeons_]:Ahhh… 

[_Yojimbo and his stupid little dog appear_.] 

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Yuna:Quick, Yojimbo, pick through the ashes. 

Sort and sweep, but swiftly, 

Sift through the ashes 

Into the pot… 

[_Yuna pays Yojimbo one gil, and he and the dog start picking up spheres_]

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Wakka:Listen, okay? You must take Rumoluf to the high road. 

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Tidus:But, no--she's the best chocobo—

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Wakka:Was. Was! HE'S been sick for weeks, ya? We're out of gil and food. We have to sell him while someone will still buy him, ya? Yevon help me. 

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Tidus:But Rumoluf is my best friend in the whole world! 

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Wakka:Look at him! 

There are things in his wings. 

There are flies in his eyes. 

He's molting, ya?

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Tidus: But—

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Wakka:Son, 

We can't just sit and talk, 

He won't eat even a stalk; 

No one has a chocobo as a friend! 

Sometimes I think you're touched, ya?

[_Rikku has been compulsively eating sweets at Braska's house; she now swallows, wiping her hands and mouth_.] 

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Rikku:Into the woods, 

It's time to go, 

I hate to leave, 

I have to, though. 

Into the woods—

It's time, and so 

I must begin my journey. 

Into the woods 

And through the trees 

I must go see my sysso. 

Into the woods to Grandmother's house—

[_mouth full_] Into the woods 

To Grandmother's house—

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Seymour:You're certain of your way? 

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Rikku:The way is clear, 

The light is good, 

I have no fear, 

Nor no one should. 

The woods are just trees, 

The trees are just wood. 

I sort of hate to ask it, 

But do you have a basket? 

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Braska:Don't stray and be late. 

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Seymour:And save some of those sweets for Granny! 

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Rikku:Into the woods 

With butterflies, 

Some red, some blue, 

They hurt my eyes. 

Into the woods, 

Who can surmise 

What's waiting on the journey? 

Into the woods 

To try to heal 

My Granny who is feeling ill. 

Never can tell 

What lies ahead. 

For all that I know, 

She's already dead. 

But into the woods, into the woods, 

Into the woods to Grandmother's house 

And home before dark! 

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Yuna:Go, my friends. 

Back to the sky, 

Back to the eaves 

And the leaves 

And the fields 

And the—

[_She dismisses Yojimbo just as the Donna clones enter_]

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Redhead:Hurry up and do my hair, silly Yuna! 

[_to the Blonde_] Are you really wearing that? 

Blonde:Here, I found a little tear, stupid Yuna! 

[_to the Redhead_] Can't you hide it with a hat? 

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Yuna:You look beautiful. 

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Redhead:I know. 

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Blonde:She means me. 

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Redhead [_to Yuna_]:Put it in a twist. 

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Blonde:Who will be there? 

[_She and the Redhead continue babbling underneath_.] 

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Yuna [_to herself_]:Mother said be good, 

Father said be nice, 

That was always their advice. 

So be nice, lovely Yuna, 

Good, helpful Yuna, 

Nice good good nice—

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Redhead:Tighter! 

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Yuna:What's the good of being good 

If everyone is blind 

And you're always left behind? 

Never mind, caring Yuna, 

Kind, happy Yuna—

[_accenting each word with a twist of a strand of hair_] Nice good good kind good nice—

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Redhead [_screams and slaps Yuna_]:Not that tight! 

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Yuna:Sorry. 

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Redhead:Clod. 

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Blonde:Hee he hee-- [_The Redhead glares at her_] hee hee-- [_stops_] 

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Maechen:Because Lord Braska had lost his mother and father in a shop-keeping accident of some sort –

well, at least that is what he believed--he was eager to have a family of his own, and concerned

that all efforts until now had failed. 

[_Knock on Braska's door_] 

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Braska:Who might that be? 

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Seymour:We have sold our last hi-potion and our last mega-elixir. 

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Braska:It's the black mage from next door! 

[_Lulu enters, a moogle in tow. Her hair is totally white and she wears a mask to hide her disfigured face. She looks around with some contempt_.] 

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Braska, Seymour:We have no items!

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Lulu:Of course you have no items! 

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Braska:What do you wish? 

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Lulu:It's not what I wish. It's what you wish. 

[_Points to Seymour's belly_] Nothing cooking in there now is there? 

[_Seymour and Braska exchange a look; Braska sad, Seymour completely confused_]

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Maechen:The black mage went on to tell the couple that she had placed a spell on their house. 

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Braska:What spell? 

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Lulu:In the past, when you were no more than a babe, your father brought his young wife and you to this hut. 

They were a handsome couple, but not handsome neighbors. You see, your mother was with child and she 

had developed an unusual appetite. She took one look at my beautiful garden, and told your father that what 

she wanted, more than anything in the world, was 

Greens, greens, and nothing but greens: 

Parsley, peppers, cabbages and celery, 

Asparagus and watercress and 

Fiddleferns and ochuu--! 

He said 'all right,' 

But it wasn't, quite, 

'Cause I caught him in the autumn 

In my garden one night! 

He was robbing me, 

Raping me, 

Rooting through my rutabaga, 

Raiding my arugula and 

Ripping up the rampion 

(My champion! My favorite!)—

I should have laid a spell on him right there. 

Could have turned him into an icicle, 

Or a fiend, or a chocobo, 

Or a shoopuf-- [_drifts off into a momentary trance_] 

But I let him have the rampion, 

I'd lots to spare. 

In return, however, 

I said 'Fair is fair; 

You can let me have the baby 

That your wife will bear. 

And we'll call it square.' 

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Braska:I had a brother? 

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Lulu:No. But you had a sister. Of a sort.

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Maechen:But the witch refused to tell him any more of his sister. Not even that her name was Shiva. She went on: 

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Lulu:I thought I had been more than reasonable, and that we all might live happily ever after. But how was I to know what your father had also hid in his pocket !?! You see, when I had inherited that garden, my mother had warned me that I would be punished if I ever were to lose any of the 

Beans. 

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Braska, Seymour:Beans? 

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Lulu:The SPECIAL beans. 

I let him go, 

I didn't know 

He'd stolen my beans! 

I was watching him crawl 

Back over the wall--! 

And then bang! 

Crash! 

And the lightning flash! 

And--well, that's another story, 

Never mind—

Anyway, at last 

The big day came 

And I made my claim. 

"Oh, don't take away the baby," 

They shrieked and screeched, 

But I did, 

And I hid her 

Where she'll never be reached. 

And your father cried, 

And your mother died 

When for extra measure—

I admit it was a pleasure—

I said, 

"Sorry, I'm still not mollified." 

And I laid a little spell on them. 

You too, son. 

That your family tree would always be a barren one... [_laughs_] 

So there's no more fuss 

And there's no more scenes 

And my garden thrives—

You should see my nectarines! 

But I'm telling you the same I tell 

Maesters and fiends: 

Don't ever never ever 

Mess around with my greens! 

Especially the beans. 

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Wakka:Now listen to me, Tidus. Lead Rumoluf to the high road and get the best price you can. Take no less than five hundred gil, ya? Are you listening? 

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Tidus:Yeah. 

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Wakka:Now how much you gonna ask? 

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Tidus:No more than five hundred gil. 

[_Wakka smacks Tidus upside the head_] 

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Wakka, Tidus:Less! Than five hundred. 

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Wakka:Tidus the jock, 

Head like a rock, 

The hut is gettin colder, 

This is not a time for dreaming, ya? 

Roof of flax, startin to collapse, 

The fiends are gettin bolder, 

My blitzball's flat. 

I keep getting' older, 

Your father's not back, 

And you can't just sit here practicing your moves. 

To wish and wait 

From day to day 

Will never keep 

The fiends away. 

So into the woods, 

That's right-you heard. 

We gotta live, and you're absurd. 

Into the woods 

To sell the bird. 

You must begin the journey. 

Straight through the woods 

And don't delay—

You have to sell and barter well. 

Into the woods to journey's end—

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Tidus:Into the woods to sell a friend—

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Wakka:Someday you'll have a real pet, Tidus, ya? 

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Tidus:A shoopuf?

[_Wakka shakes his head in disbelief_] 

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Maechen:Meanwhile, the mage, for purposes of her own, explained how Braska might lift the spell: 

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Lulu:You wish to have 

The curse reversed? 

I'll need a certain 

Potion first. 

Go to the wood and bring me back: 

One: the bird as thin as thread, 

Two: the hair as smooth as ice, 

Three: the moogle as green as grass, 

Four: the slipper as pure as gil.

(A/N: _I know, I know. The items suck. I'm sorry-Sondheim is smarter than I am. Sigh_.) 

Bring me these before the chime 

Of midnight

In three days' time, 

And you shall have, 

I guarantee, 

A child as perfect 

As child can be. 

Go to the wood! 

[_disappears_] 

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Donna:Ladies, our carriage waits. 

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Yuna:Now may I go to the Festival? 

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Donna:The Festival? 

Darling, those nails! 

Darling, those clothes! 

Save spheres are one thing but 

Darling, with those, 

You'd make us the fools of the Festival 

And mortify the monks! 

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Baltero:The carriage is waiting. 

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Donna:We must be gone. 

[_They exit with a flourish_] 

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Yuna:Good night, Father. [_He grunts and exits_] 

I wish... [_cries_] 

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Braska:Look what I found in Father's old cloak. 

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Seymour:Six beans. 

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Braska:I wonder if they are the—

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Seymour:The mage's beans? We'll take them with us. 

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Braska:No! You are not coming. 

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Seymour:I know you are fearful of the woods at night. 

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Braska:The spell is on MY house. 

Only I can lift the spell, 

The spell is on MY house. 

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Seymour [_over_]:No, no, the spell is on OUR house. 

We must lift the spell together, 

The spell is on OUR house. 

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Braska [_Over_]: No. You are not to come and that is final. Now, what am I to return with? 

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Seymour [_Annoyed_]: You don't remember? 

The bird as thin as thread, 

The hair as smooth as ice, 

The moogle as green as grass, 

The slipper as pure as gil – 

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Braska [_memorizing_]: The bird as thin as thread, 

The hair as smooth as ice, 

The moogle as green as grass, 

The slipper as pure as gil... 

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Maechen [_Over_]: And so Lord Braska, reluctantly, set off to meet the black mage's demands. 

As for Yuna: 

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Yuna:I still wish to go to the Festival, 

But how am I ever to get to the Festival? 

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Braska [_simultaneously_]: The bird as thin as thread,

The hair as smooth as ice, 

The moogle as green as grass—

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Seymour: the slipper—

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Braska: The slipper as pure as gil...

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Yuna [_Over_]: I know! 

I'll visit Mother's grave, 

The grave at the enchanted tree, 

And tell her I just want to 

Go to the Maester's Festival... 

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Braska:The bird, the hair, the slipper as pure as gil—

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Seymour:The moogle--! 

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Braska, Yuna:Into the woods, 

It's time to go, 

It may be all 

In vain, you (I) know. 

Into the woods—

But even so, 

I have to take the journey. 

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Braska, Yuna, Seymour: Into the woods, 

The path is straight, 

You (I) know it well, 

But who can tell--? 

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Braska, Seymour:Into the woods to lift the spell—

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Yuna:Into the woods to visit Mother—

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Seymour:Into the woods to fetch the things—

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Braska:To make the potion—

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Yuna:To go to the Festival—

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Braska, Seymour, Yuna, Tidus, Wakka:Into the woods 

Without regret, 

The choice is made, 

The task is set. 

Into the woods, 

But not forgetting why I'm (you're) on the journey.

Into the woods 

To get my (our) wish, 

It's not absurd. 

I (You) will be heard!

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Wakka:Into the woods to sell the bird—

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Tidus:Into the woods to get the money—

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Seymour:Into the woods to lift the spell—

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Braska:To make the potion—

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Yuna:To go too the Festival—

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Rikku:Into the woods to Grandmother's house... 

Into the woods to Grandmother's house... 

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All:The way is clear, 

The light is good, 

I have ho fear, 

Nor no one should. 

The woods are just trees, 

The trees are just wood. 

No need to be afraid there—

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Braska, Yuna:There's something in the glade there... 

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All:Into the woods 

Without delay, 

But careful not 

To lose the way. 

Into the woods, 

Who knows what may 

Be lurking on the journey? 

Into the woods 

To get the thing 

That makes it worth 

The journeying. 

Into the woods—

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Donna, Clones:To see the monks—

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Tidus, Wakka:To sell the bird—

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Braska, Seymour:To make the potion—

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All:To see- 

To sell- 

To get—

To bring—

To make—

To lift—

To go to the Festival--! 

Into the woods! 

Into the woods! 

Into the woods, 

Then out of the woods, 

And home before dark!


	2. Yuna Visits a Tree

Scene Two: Yuna visits her Mother

[_We are in Macalania woods, in front of a particularly large and shimmering tree. Yuna is weeping at her mother's grave just at the tree's base._]

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Maechen: Now, Yuna had planted a branch at the grave of her Mother,

And her tears watered it until it had become a handsome tree.

Yuna: I've been good and I've been kind, Mother, 

Doing only what I learned from you. 

Why, then, am I left behind, Mother, 

Is there something more that I should do? 

What is wrong with me Mother? 

Something must be wrong! 

I wish… 

[_Belgimine, Yuna's mother and an unsent summoner, appears in the tree_.]

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Belgimine: Do you know what you wish? 

[_Yuna, startled, jumps up and stares at the tree_.]

Are you certain what you wish is what you want? 

If you know what you want, then make a wish. 

Ask the tree, 

And you shall have your wish. 

****

Yuna: [_After a moment_…]

Shimmer and glimmer, little tree. 

Jewels and gil throw down on me. 

[_Several butterflies float out of the tree, carrying a beautiful gown, which Yuna grabs_]

I'm off to get my wish! 

[_She runs off towards Bevelle_]

A/N: _The first chapter was incredibly long and scary. So congratulations on making it to chapter two! The next installment isn't long, but is a little scary. You've been warned... _


	3. This Is Your Brain on Drugs

Scene Three: A Disturbing Encounter

A/N: _I'm sorry about this song. It's just disturbing. Uh…^^' yeah. On a happier note, thanks for my reviews! Make an author's day-review their fic._

[_Tidus is wandering around the woods with Rumoluf, when he meets a Mysterious Man (who is actually Maester Mika). The man tells Tidus he'd be lucky to exchange his bird for a "sack of beans. Elsewhere in the woods, Rikku is skipping along with her moogle and various baked goods towards the Moonflow. Suddenly, a disheveled and not-quite-sober former blitzball star stumbles on to the path. Rikku doesn't notice him immediately; maybe because she's on such a sugar high that the world seems to be shaking ever so slightly, or maybe because he promptly fell into a ditch. In any case, Jecht spots Rikku first from his ditch. He is slightly delirious._]

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Jecht: Mmmh… 

Unhh... 

Look at that flesh, pink and plump. 

Hello, little girl... 

Tender and fresh, not one lump. 

Hello, little girl... 

This one's especially lush, 

Delicious... 

Mmmh... 

[_To Rikku_] Hello, little girl, what's your rush? 

You're missin' all the flowers. 

The sun won't set for hours, 

Take your time. 

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Rikku: Mother said, 

"Straight ahead," 

Not to delay or be misled. 

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Jecht: But slow, little girl, 

Hark! And hush—

The birds are singin' sweetly. 

You'll miss the birds completely, 

You're travelin' so fleetly. 

Grandmother first, 

Then dessert... 

What a delectable couple: 

Utter perfection, one brittle, one supple—

One moment, my dear--! 

****

Rikku:Mother said, 

"Come what may,

Follow the path and never stray." 

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Jecht: Just so, little girl-- any path.

So many worth explorin'. 

Just one would be so boring. 

And look what you're ignorin'... 

Think of those crisp, aging bones, 

Then something fresh on the palate. 

Think of that scrumptious carnality twice in one day--! 

There's no possible way 

To remain on your feet 

Talkin' to somethin' so…sweet!

[_Jecht gets so excited, he falls down again. He gets himself up with some difficulty_] 

****

Rikku: Mother said not to stray. 

Still, I suppose, a small delay... 

Granny might like a fresh bouquet... 

Goodbye, sir. [_Giggles nervously_]

[_To the moogle_] Come along, Lyldin.

[_She runs off_]

****

Jecht: Goodbye, little girl. And hello... 

[_Jecht chortles, than laughs. The laugh turns into a cough. He starts choking on his own spit. After a minute or to_

of hacking, Jecht stumbles off.]


	4. Beans, Beans, the Wonderful Fruit

Scene Four: A Tearful Farewell

[_Unseen, Braska has seen this scary exchange, and is understandably concerned for Rikku's safety. Lulu appears and tells him to forget the girl and get her moogle. Braska tries and fails miserably. Seymour shows up "to give Braska his staff," and is disgusted that Braska still can't remember all the ingredients. Braska tells Seymour to go home. Their argument is cut short when Tidus and his scraggly chocobo show up. They convince him to part with Rumoluf for five of the six beans._]

****

Maechen:And the Baker gave Tidus five beans in exchange for his chocobo, keeping one for himself.

****

Tidus: I guess this is goodbye, old girl. 

You've been a perfect friend. 

I hate to see us part, old girl, 

Someday I'll buy you back. 

I'll see you soon again. 

I hope that when I do, 

It won't be on a pike. 

[_Braska and Seymour look confused at this._ (A/N: But then, what is Tidus ever talking about?)_ Tidus runs off, stricken (or something) saying "I won't go so easy on you next time," and leaves Braska and Seymour alone with Rumoluf. Braska then berates Seymour for getting the chocobo by tricking Tidus into believing the beans were magic _(A/N: Not that it's hard to make Tidus believe anything).]

****

Braska: Magic beans! 

****

Seymour:No one would have given him more for this creature. 

****

Braska:Are we to dispel this curse through deceit? 

****

Seymour: If you know what you want, 

Then you go and you find it 

And you get it—

****

Braska: [_pointing off_] Home. 

****

Seymour: Do we want a child, or not? 

--And you give and you take 

And you bid and you bargain, 

Or you live to regret it. 

****

Braska: Will you please go home. 

****

Seymour: There are rights and wrongs and in-betweens—

No one waits when fortune intervenes. 

And maybe they're really magic. 

Who knows? 

Why you do what you do, 

That's the point, 

All the rest of it is chatter. 

****

Braska: [_about Rumoluf_] Look at him, he's crying. At least I think so. How do you tell if a chocobo is crying?

****

Seymour: If the thing you do is pure in intent, 

If it's meant and it's just a little bent, 

Does it matter? 

****

Braska: Yes!

****

Seymour: No! What matters is that everyone tells tiny lies—

What's important, really, is the size. 

Only three more tries, and we'll have our prize. 

When the end's in sight, you'll realize: 

If the end is right, it justifies 

The beans! 

[_Braska makes Seymour set off for home with Rumoluf.]_


	5. Jecht Is Sick and Anima Is Scary

Scene Five: Lulu and Shiva 

[_Lulu visits Shiva, and makes Shiva grow her ice hair into a staircase so Lulu can get into the tower. Rin observes this and resolves to come back and try for himself to see the " naked ice girl."_]

Scene Six: Jecht Meets a Messy End

[_In the meantime, Braska pursues Rikku and her moogle. He arrives at Granny's cottage and finds something amiss. Jecht is there. He has apparently locked Rikku, Anima (Rikku's granny, for those who've forgotten the cast list), and the moogle in the closet after doing some unpleasant things to them of an undisclosed nature, because this is a PG-13 script. Jecht then passed out on the bed. Anyway, Braska breaks in and frees the captives. Anima can't believe Braska didn't already stab Jecht, and grabs her butcher knife and proceeds to stab him herself. She then suggests that instead of just killing him, they should put rocks in his stomach and sew the wound up and let him die an agonizing death, but Braska convinces her to just put Jecht out of his misery. _[A/N: We all knew Anima was scary.]_ In thanks for freeing them, Rikku agrees to give Braska her moogle, which he had previously tried to steal. She takes Jecht's headband as a trophy, and begins carrying Anima's butcher knife. Rikku explains to Braska what happened.]_

****

Rikku: Mother said, 'straight ahead, 

Not to delay, or things go wrong.' 

I should have heeded her advice. 

But he seemed so strong. 

And he showed me things, many beautiful things, 

That I hadn't thought to explore. 

They were off my path, so I never had dared. 

I had been so careful, I never had cared. 

And he made me feel excited… 

Well, excited and scared. 

When he said, 

'Come in,' with that sickening grin, 

How could I know what was in store? 

Once his teeth were bared, though, I really got scared. 

Well, excited and scared… 

But he drew me close, and he swallowed me down, 

Down a dark, slimy path, where lie secrets that I never want to know, 

And when everything familiar seemed to disappear forever, 

At the end of the path, was Granny once again, 

So we wait in the dark, until someone sets us free,

And we're brought into the light, 

And we're back at the start… 

And I know things now, many valuable things, 

That I hadn't known before. 

Do not put your faith in a cactus with arms. 

It will not protect you or keep you from harms. 

And take extra care with strangers, even flowers have their dangers, 

And though scary is exciting, 

Strong is different than good. 

Now I know, don't be scared. 

Granny is right, just be prepared. 

Isn't it nice to know a lot? …

And a little bit… not. 


	6. Girl Talk

Scene Seven: And now, for something completely different…

[_Tidus returns to the Calm Lands, where Wakka is disgusted to find Tidus was stupid enough to sell a chocobo for beans, but decides to cook them anyway. However, one falls to the ground when Tidus hands them over. Back in the woods, Seymour and Rumoluf run into Yuna, who has just fled the Ball. Seymour covers for her when Auron and Cid ask if he has seen the girl. Yuna then sits down for a moment to catch her breath, and Seymour asks her about the festival, especially the monk Auron_.]

****

Yuna:He's a very nice monk. 

****

Seymour:And--? 

****

Yuna:And—

It's a very nice Ball. 

****

Seymour:And--? 

****

Yuna:And—

When I entered, they trumpeted. 

****

Seymour:And--? 

The monk--? 

****

Yuna:Oh, the monk? 

****

Seymour:Yes, the monk! 

****

Yuna:Well, he's tall. 

****

Seymour:Is that all? 

Did you dance? 

Is he charming? 

They say that he's charming. 

****

Yuna:We did nothing but dance. 

****

Seymour:Yes--? 

And--? 

****

Yuna:And it made a nice change. 

****

Seymour:No, the monk! 

****

Yuna:Oh, the monk? 

****

Seymour:Yes, the monk. 

****

Yuna:He has charm for a monk, I guess... 

****

Seymour:Guess? 

****

Yuna:I don't meet a wide range. 

****

Seymour:Did he bow? 

Was he cold and polite? 

****

Yuna: And it's all very strange. 

****

Seymour:Did he speak? Did he flirt?  
Could you tell right away how strong he was?  
Is he sensitive, clever, well mannered, considerate, talented, charming,

As strong as he's handsome, as wise as he's rich,

Is he everything you've ever wanted? 

****

Yuna: Would I know? 

****

Seymour:Well, I'd know. [_Giggles_]

****

Yuna:But how can you know what you want

Till you get what you want

And you see if you like it? 

****

Seymour:Would I know? 

****

Yuna:All I know is-- 

****

Seymour:I never wish-- 

****

Yuna:What I want most of all-- 

****

Seymour:Just within reason. 

****

Yuna:Is to know what I want. 

****

Seymour:When you can't have what you want,

Where's the profit in wishing? 

****

Both:He's a very nice monk... 

__

[As the first chime of midnight sounds…] 

****

Seymour:What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes. 

****

Yuna: Will you look over there, an enormous beanstalk growing next to that little hut! 

****

Seymour _[looking down at Yuna's feet]_:I mean slippers… as pure as gil. 

****

Yuna:I must get home. 

****

Seymour:I need your shoes! Wait! 

[_Rumoluf and Yuna run off in different directions. After a moment of hesitation, Seymour runs off after the chocobo._]


	7. One Midnight Gone

Scene Eight: First Midnight

[_The various characters enter and exit from a clearing in Macalania woods_.]

****

Braska:One midnight gone... 

****

Maester Mika:No knot unties itself... 

****

Lulu:Sometimes the things you most wish for are not to be touched... 

****

Auron and Rin:The harder to get, the better to have... 

****

Auron:Agreed? 

****

Rin:Agreed. 

****

Blonde:Never wear mauve at a ball... 

****

Redhead:Or pink... 

****

Donna [_to clones_]:Or open your mouth... 

****

Tidus: The difference between a chocobo and a bean 

Is a chocobo can't give you gas... uhh…

****

Wakka [_at Tidus_]:Slotted spoons don't hold much soup, ya?

****

Rikku:The prettier the flower, the farther from the path... 

****

Baltero:The closer to the family, the closer to the wine. 

What does that mean? What am I doing here, anyway?

****

Donna:Shut up, dear.

****

Random Old Woman:Stay away from the summoner!

****

Shiva [_offstage_]:Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah... 

****

Lulu:One midnight gone! 

****

Anima:A drunken lech is not the end of the world...

****

Cid:Yee haw! Here we go… 

****

Yuna:Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor, you know? 

****

Seymour:You may know what you need, 

But to get what you want, 

Better see that you keep what you have. 

[_All overlapping_] 

****

Braska:One midnight gone... 

****

Lulu:Sometimes the things you most wish for are not to be touched... 

****

Auron and Rin:The harder to get, the better to have... 

****

Auron:Agreed? 

****

Rin:Agreed. 

****

Braska:One midnight gone...one midnight gone... 

****

Blonde:Never wear mauve at a ball... 

****

Redhead:Or pink... 

****

Wakka:Slotted spoons don't hold much soup... 

****

Seymour:To get what you want better keep what you... 

****

Rikku: The prettier the flower... 

****

All: One midnight one midnight one midnight gone… 

Into the woods, 

Into the woods, 

Into the woods, then out of the woods and home before-- 

****

Tidus: There are giants in the sky! 

There are big, tall, terrible giants in the sky! 

When you're way up high, and you look below 

At the world you've left and the things you know, 

Little more than a glance is enough to show 

You just how small you are. 

When you're way up high, and you're on your own, 

In a world like none that you've ever known, 

Where the sky's like lead and the earth's like stone, 

You're free to do whatever pleases you. 

Exploring things you'd never dared, 

'Cause you don't care, 

When suddenly there's 

A big, tall, terrible giant at the door. 

A big, tall, terrible lady giant [_A/N: The Giantess is Yunalesca, by the way_] sweeping the floor. 

And she gives you food, and she gives you rest. 

And she draws you close to her giant breast. 

And you know things now that you never knew before.

After the sky. 

Only just when you've made a friend and all, 

And you know she's big, but you don't feel small, 

Someone bigger than her comes along the hall 

To swallow you for lunch! 

And your heart is lead, and your stomach's stone, 

And you're really scared, being all alone, 

And it's then that you miss all the things you've known, 

And the world you've left, and the little you own; 

The fun is done. 

You steal what you can, and run! 

And you scramble down, and you look below 

At the world you left, and the things you know… 

The house, the Calm Lands, and Wakka at the door. 

The plains, the house, and the world you'd never thought to explore. 

And you think of all of the things you'd seen. 

And you wish that you could live in-between. 

And you're back again, only different than before. 

After the sky.

There are giants in the sky! 

There are big, tall, terrible, awesome, scary,

Wonderful giants in the sky! 


	8. You Can't Always Get What You Want

Scene Nine: Oh, Sir Auron!

[A/N: Please remember to "hear" Rin's accent in this scene. It's better that way.]

[_Braska and Seymour meet up again, and Seymour admits he lost the chocobo. Braska leaves in frustration. However, Seymour happens to overhear the conversation of Auron, the charming monk of Bevelle, and Rin, the charming Al-Bhed merchant._]

****

Auron:Do I abuse her, or show her disdain? 

Why does she run from me? 

If I pursue her, how shall I regain 

The heart she has won from me? 

Agony! 

Beyond power of speech, 

When the one thing you want 

Is the only thing out of your reach? 

****

Rin: High in her tower, she sits by the hour, 

Maintaining her hair. 

Blithe and becoming, and frequently humming 

A lighthearted air… 

A-a-a-a-a-a-ah...

Agony! 

Far more painful than yours! 

When you know she would go with you, 

If there only were doors! 

****

Both: Agony! 

Oh the torture they teach! 

****

Rin: What's as intriguing—

****

Auron: Or half so fatiguing—

****

Both: As what's out of reach? 

****

Auron: Am I not sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate, 

Talented, charming, as strong as I'm handsome, 

A warrior monk?! 

****

Rin: You are everything maidens could wish for. 

****

Auron: The why no? 

****

Rin: Do I know? 

****

Auron: The girl must be mad! 

****

Rin: You know nothing of madness… 

Till you're climbing her hair, and you see her 

Up there, as you're nearing her, 

All the while hearing her

'A-a-a-a-a-a-ah.' 

****

Both: Agony! 

****

Auron: Misery! 

****

Rin: Woe! 

****

Both: Though it's different for each. 

****

Auron: Always ten steps behind—

****

Rin: Always ten feet below—

****

Both: And she's just out of reach. 

Agony, that can cut like a knife! 

I must have her to wife. 

****

Auron:I foresee no difficulty.

[_Auron and Rin run off in different directions. Seymour follows Rin in an attempt to get Shiva's hair_.]


	9. I've Got Your Number

Scene Ten: Braska and Seymour Make Up

[_Braska and Seymour are reunited in the woods. Braska got Rumoluf back from Maester Mika, who found the bird wandering in the woods, and Seymour obtained some of Shiva's icy hair (although she cast Blizzaga on him as punishment, which stung a little, but Seymour didn't die _[A/N: Not surprising, since it's Seymour]_). The pair now have 3 of the 4 items Lulu needs._]

****

Seymour: You've changed. 

You're daring. 

You're different in the woods. 

More sure, 

More sharing. 

You're getting us through the woods. 

If you could see—

You're not the man who started, 

And much more open-hearted 

Than I knew you to be. 

****

Braska:It takes two. 

I thought one was enough, 

It's not true: 

It takes two of us. 

You came through 

When the journey was rough. 

It took you. 

It took two of us. 

It takes care, 

It takes patience and fear and despair 

To change. 

Though you swear to change, 

Who can tell if you do? 

It takes two. 

****

Seymour: You've changed. 

You're thriving. 

There's something about the woods. 

Not just surviving, 

You're blossoming in the woods. 

At home I'd fear 

We'd stay the same forever. 

And then out here 

You're passionate, charming, considerate, clever—

****

Braska: It takes one 

To begin, but then once you've begun, 

It takes two of you. 

It's no fun, 

But what needs to be done 

You can do 

When there's two of you. 

If I dare, 

It's because I'm becoming aware of us 

As a pair of us, 

Each accepting a share 

Of what's there. 

****

Both: We've changed. 

We're strangers. 

I'm meeting you in the woods. 

Who minds 

What dangers? 

I know we'll get past the woods. 

And once we're past, 

Let's hope the changes last 

Beyond care, 

Beyond moogles and slippers and hair, 

Just the two of us—

Beyond lies, 

Safe at home with our beautiful prize,

Just the few of us. 

It takes trust. 

It takes just a bit more and we're done. 

We want four, we had none. 

We've got three. 

We need one.

It takes two. 

[_Rumoluf wheezes and dies._]

****

Braska:Well, damn.


	10. Spicy Meatballs

Scene Eleven: Second Midnight

****

Lulu:Two midnights gone! 

****

Yuna:Wanting a ball is not wanting a monk... 

****

Auron:Near may be better than far, 

But it still isn't there... 

****

Rin [_echo_]:Near may be better than far, 

But it still isn't there... 

****

Wakka:A spicy meatball for our pasty friend!

****

Yuna:The ball... 

****

Auron:So near... 

****

Rin:So far... 

****

Shoopuf Driver:Ride ze shoopuf?

****

Donna:You can never love somebody else's child-

****

Blonde, Redhead:Two midnights gone! 

****

Donna:--the way you love-

****

Auron:So near... 

****

Donna:--your own. 

****

Yuna:The monk... 

****

Rin:So far... 

****

Anima:The greatest prize can often lie 

At the end of the thorniest path... 

****

All: Two midnights gone! 

Two midnights gone! 


	11. It Sucks Being an Unnamed Character

Scene Twelve: Lulu throws a Fit

[_Braska and Seymour bury the chocobo, and decide to split up yet again: Braska will try to find another bird, while Seymour tries once more to attain Yuna's slipper. Meanwhile, Lulu discovers Rin has visited Shiva. She drags the Aeon/girl from the tower._]

****

Lulu: What did I clearly say? 

Children must listen. 

****

Shiva: No, no, please! [_Lulu readies a firaga spell_]

****

Lulu: What were you not to do? 

Children must see—

****

Shiva: No! 

****

Lulu: And learn. [_She feints to cast the spell, then reconsiders_.]

Why could you not obey? 

Children should listen. 

What have I been to you? 

What would you have me be? 

Exotic, like an Al Bhed? 

Ah, but I am evil. 

I am ugly. 

I embarrass you. 

****

Shiva: No! 

****

Lulu: You are ashamed of me. 

****

Shiva: No! 

****

Lulu: You are ashamed. 

You don't understand. [_She throws the spell away. It hits an unsuspecting unnamed character who screams and dies._]

****

Shiva: It was lonely atop that tower. 

****

Lulu: I was not company enough? 

****

Shiva: I am not a girl; I am an Aeon! I wish to use my powers! I wish to see the world! 

****

Lulu: Don't you know what's out there in the world?

Someone has to shield you from the world. 

Stay with me. 

Al Bhed wait there in the world, it's true. 

Al Bhed, yes, but fiends and Sin-spawn, too. 

Stay at home. 

I am home. 

Who out there could love you more than I? 

What out there that I cannot supply? 

Stay with me. 

Stay with me, 

The world is a frightening whirl. 

Stay a girl, while you can be a girl. 

With me. 

[_Shiva refuses to stay with Lulu. In a rage, Lulu casts Fira and stuns the Aeon, and then casts her into Sanubia. Meanwhile, Rin comes to visit the tower, where Lulu surprises him and casts darkness on him. Then for good measure, she casts zombie so he can't heal himself with one of his potions. Elsewhere, Tidus runs into Rikku, who is now decked out with knifes, grenades, fire gems, etc. Tidus shows her a golden blitzball from the giant's house, and tells her of the magical music spheres in the giant's castle. Rikku calls him a liar, and Tidus promptly goes back up the beanstalk to fetch the spheres.]_


	12. Sticky, sticky, dreadfully sticky

Scene Thirteen: Yuna in a Sticky Spot

[_Yuna enters wearing only one of her slippers._]

****

Yuna: He's a very smart monk. 

He's a monk who prepares. 

Knowing this time I'd run from him, 

He spread pitch on the stairs. 

I was caught unawares. 

And I thought, 

Well, he cares. 

At least it was not a spell.

Better stop and take stock while you're standing here stuck 

On the steps of Bevelle.

You think, 

What do you want? 

You think,

Make a decision! 

Why not stay and be caught? 

You think, 

Well, it's a thought… 

What would be his response? 

But then what if he knew who you were, 

When you know that you're not what he thinks that he wants? 

And then, what if you are 

What a monk would envision? 

Although how can you know who you are, 

Till you know what you want, which you don't, 

So then which do you pick: 

Where you're safe out of sight, 

And yourself, but where everything's wrong, 

Or where everything's right, 

And you know that you'll never belong? 

And whichever you pick, do it quick,

'Cause you're starting to stick 

To the steps of Bevelle! 

It's your first big decision… 

The choice isn't easy to make. 

To arrive at a Ball is exciting, and all, 

Once you're there, though, it's scary. 

And it's fun to deceive when you know you can leave, 

But you have to be wary. 

There's a lot that's at stake, but you've stalled long enough, 

'Cause you're still standing stuck on the stuff on the steps... 

Better run along home! 

And avoid the collision. 

Even though they don't care, you'd be better off there, 

Where there's nothing to choose, so there's nothing to lose, 

So you pry up your shoes... 

And then, out of the blue, 

And without any guide, 

You know what your decision is… 

Which is not to decide. 

You just leave him a clue. 

For example: a shoe. 

And then see what HE'LL do. 

Now it's he and not you who is stuck with the shoe 

In a stew… 

In the goo… 

And you've learned something too, 

Something you never knew, 

On the steps of Bevelle! 

[_Seymour appears. Desperate for the other shoe, he offers Yuna the remaining bean, which she throws away. Only when she hears Cid and Auron closing in on her does she give up her slipper in exchange for Seymour's, which, though disgusting, are better for running in. Suddenly, a large THUD shakes the forest: Tidus has killed the giant._]


	13. Ever After

Scene Fourteen: Breaking the Spell

[_Braska returns with a new chocobo. It appears all of Lulu's demands have been met. But the chocobo is wearing a corset_, _and is actually fairly obese. Lulu tells the couple to fetch Rumoluf. She casts Life, and makes them feel stupid for not thinking of a Phoenix down. Braska and Seymour then feed Rumoluf the other three items. The bird should produce a pellet, which, when crushed, will make the potion. However, there is no pellet. When Lulu discovers the hair was from Shiva_[A/N Who else has icy hair?]_, she goes berserk and tells the couple she cannot have touched any of the ingredients. Suddenly, Maester Mika appears and tells gives Braska some icicles strung into hair. They feed the chocobo, who produces a pellet. Crushed up, it becomes the potion, which Lulu drinks. She suddenly has jet-black hair once more, and she removes her mask; her face is no longer disfigured. Maester Mika keels over dead. Lulu reveals he was Braska's father, who abandoned him after his mother's death. Tidus and Rumoluf are reunited. Auron discovers that Yuna is his intended. Shiva and Rin are reunited; the Aeon cures his status ailments, and gives birth to twins. When Lulu tries to curse the new family, she discovers she has lost her powers. Valefor blinds the clones in revenge for being nasty to Yuna. ]_

****

Yuna:Ididn't think I'd wed a monk. 

****

Auron:I didn't think I'd ever find you. 

****

Yuna, Auron, Braska, Seymour:I didn't think I could be so happy!

****

Maechen: And it came to pass, all that seemed wrong was now right, the kingdoms were filled with joy, and those who deserved to were certain to live a long and happy life. 

Ever after... 

****

Company:Ever after! 

****

Maechen:Journey over, all is mended, 

And it's not just for today, 

But tomorrow, and extended 

Ever after!

**Company**:Ever after! 

****

Maechen: All the curses have been ended, 

The reverses wiped away. 

All is tenderness and laughter 

For forever after! 

****

Company:Happy now and happy hence 

And happy ever after! 

****

Maechen: There were dangers—

****

Company: We were frightened—

****

Maechen: And confusions—

****

Company: But we hid it—

****

Maechen: And the paths would often swerve. 

****

Company: We did not. 

****

Maechen: There were constant—

****

Company: It's amazing—

****

Maechen: Disillusions—

****

Company: That we did it. 

****

Maechen: But they never lost their nerve. 

****

Company: Not a lot. 

****

Maechen, Company: And they (we) reached the right conclusions, 

And they (we) got what they (we) deserve! 

****

Company:Not a sigh and not a sorrow, 

Tenderness and laughter. 

Joy today and bliss tomorrow, 

And forever after! 

****

Blonde:I was greedy. 

****

Redhead:I was vain. 

****

Blonde:I was haughty. 

****

Redhead:I was smug. 

****

Both:We were happy. 

****

Redhead:It was fun. 

****

Blonde:But we were blind. 

****

Both: Then we went into the woods 

To get our wish 

And now we're really blind. 

****

Lulu [_Over_]: I was perfect.

I had everything but beauty.

I had power, 

And an Aeon like a flower,

In a tower. 

Then I went into the woods to get my wish 

And now I'm ordinary. 

Lost my power, and my flower. 

****

Clones:We're unworthy. 

****

Clones and Lulu:We're (I'm) unhappy now, unhappy hence, 

As well as ever after. 

Had we used our common sense, 

Been worthy of our discontents... 

****

Company: To be happy, and forever, 

You must see your wish come true. 

Don't be careful, don't be clever. 

When you see your wish, pursue. 

It's a dangerous endeavor, 

But the only thing to do—

[_In three groups: round_] 

Though it's fearful, 

Though it's deep, though it's dark, 

And though you may lose the path, 

Though you may encounter fiends, 

You mustn't stop, 

You mustn't swerve, 

You mustn't ponder, 

You have to act! 

When you know your wish, 

If you want your wish, 

You can have your wish, 

But you can't just wish—

No, to get your wish 

[_Unison_] 

You go into the woods, 

Where nothing's clear, 

Where mages, spawn

And fiends appear. 

Into the woods 

And through the fear, 

You have to take the journey. 

Into the woods 

And down the dell,

In vain perhaps, 

But who can tell? 

Into the woods to lift the spell, 

Into the woods to lose the longing. 

Into the woods to have the child, 

To wed the monk, 

To get the gil, 

To save the house, 

To kill the fiends, 

To find the father, 

To conquer the kingdom, to have, to wed, 

To get, to save, 

To kill, to keep, 

To go to the Festival! 

Into the woods,

Into the woods, 

Into the woods, 

Then out of the woods—

****

Maechen:And that, as they say, is that…for now… 

****

All:--And happy ever after! 


	14. Harparmed Musicians Get No Respect

****

Act Two

Scene One: So Happy!

[_Later. We are back at the little village in the Calm Lands. Tidus and Wakka are noticeably richer, and Seymour and Braska have a young child. Tidus has hired a harp-armed musician to play the spheres for him as well. We can also see the palace in Bevelle where Yuna now lives with Auron and her stepfamily. Suddenly, the same small man appears as in the first act. He says:_]

****

Maechen:Once upon a time—

Later…

****

Yuna:I wish... 

****

Maechen:Still in Spira—

****

Yuna:More than anything… 

****

Maechen:--lived a young bride—

****

Yuna:More than life... 

****

Maechen:--the lad Tidus—

****

Yuna:More than servants… 

****

Tidus:I wish… 

****

Maechen:--and the shopkeeper and his family—

****

Baby:Waaah! 

****

Tidus:No, I miss… 

****

Yuna, Braska:I wish… 

****

Baby:Waaah! 

****

Tidus:More than anything...

****

Yuna, Braska, Tidus:More than the stars… 

****

Seymour [_to baby_]:There, there…

****

Yuna:I wish to sponsor a Festival. 

****

Baby:Waaah! 

****

Braska:More than life… 

****

Tidus:I miss… 

****

Yuna:The time has come for a Festival… 

****

Baby:Waaah! 

****

Seymour:Shh… 

****

Braska [_Over_]:More than save spheres… 

****

Yuna:And a Ball... 

****

Tidus:I miss my kingdom up in the sky. 

****

Yuna, Braska:More than anything… 

****

Seymour:I wish we had more room… 

****

Tidus:Play, harp, um, guy…

[_A bored looking harp-armed musician starts playing_.]

****

Braska:Another room…

****

Maechen:But despite some minor inconveniences, they were all content...

****

Yuna:I never thought I'd wed a monk… 

****

Auron:I never thought I'd find perfection… 

****

Both:I never thought I could be so happy! 

****

Yuna:Not an unhappy moment since... 

****

Tidus, Wakka:I didn't think we'd be this rich... 

****

Auron:Not a conceivable objection… 

****

Braska, Seymour:I never thought we'd have a baby… 

****

Yuna, Auron, Wakka, Tidus:I never thought I could be so happy! 

****

Braska, Seymour [_Over_]:I'm so happy! 

****

Donna:Happy here, 

Happy still, 

Happy ever after—

****

Donna and Clones:We're so happy you're so happy! 

Just as long as you stay happy, 

We'll stay happy! 

****

Yuna, Auron:Not one tear… 

****

Wakka:Pots of gil... 

****

Tidus:Friends are near... 

****

Braska, Seymour:Little gurgles... 

****

Auron:Darling, I must go now... Farewell.

****

Wakka [_pointing at Rumoluf_]:We should really sell him, ya? 

****

Braska:Where's the cheesecloth? 

****

All Others:Wishes may bring problems, 

Such that you regret them. 

****

All:Better that, though, 

Than to never get them… 

****

Yuna:I'm going to be a perfect wife! 

****

Tidus [_Over_]:I'm going to be a perfect son! 

****

Seymour, Wakka:I'm going to be a perfect … [_Both look confused_]

****

Braska:I'm going to be a perfect father! 

I'm so happy! 

****

Yuna, Tidus, Wakka, Seymour:I'm going to see that he (she) 

Is so happy! 

****

All:I never thought I'd love my life! 

I would have settled for another! 

****

Yuna:Then to become a wife… 

****

Tidus, Wakka:Then to be set for life... 

****

Braska, Seymour:Then to finally get a child… 

****

All:That fortune smiled... 

I'm so happy. 

****

Braska, Seymour, Tidus, Wakka:We had to go through thick and thin. 

****

Donna, Clones:We had to lose a lot to win. 

****

Yuna:I ventured out and saw within. 

****

All:I never thought I'd be so much I hadn't been! 

I'm so hap—[_CRASH!_]

[_Braska's hut is more or less destroyed. Lulu shows up, and Braska accuses her of attacking them, until she points out that her garden was also destroyed. She also observes that the damage appears to be some sort of footprint_.]

****

Braska:Who could do such a thing? 

****

Lulu:Anything that leaves a footprint that large is no 'who.' 

****

Braska:Do you think it was a kaar? [A/N Kaar=a type of FF fiend]

****

Lulu:A kaar? 

Kaars are sweet. 

Besides, you ever see a kaar with forty-foot feet? 

****

Seymour:Elemental? 

****

Lulu:No scorch marks--usually they're linked. 

****

Braska:Chimera? 

****

Lulu:Imaginary. 

****

Seymour, Braska:Juggernaut? 

****

Lulu:Extinct. 

****

Braska:Giant? 

****

Lulu:Possible. 

Very, very possible… 

****

Maechen:More than possible. Their fears would prove to be well founded…

[_Braska tells Wakka and Tidus about the giant. Wakka points out no one seemed to care when there was a dead giant in _his_ backyard. Braska then sets off to alert the royal family of the giant's presence. Yuna is concerned but doesn't feel she should leave Bevelle while Sir Auron is gone._ _Soon after Braska returns, Rikku shows up at his hut. She explains that her house collapsed because "a wind blew it in," and her mother is missing, so she's off to see her Granny again. Braska and Seymour decide they should escort her, since it seems unsafe to remain in the ruins of their hut. Despite promising Wakka he'd stay home, Tidus also heads into the woods to whack things with his sword. The fayth alert Yuna that something is amiss at her mother's grave, so she disguises herself as a peasant and goes to investigate._]

****

Braska: Into the woods, 

It's always when 

You think at last you're through, and then 

Into the woods you go again 

To take another journey. 

****

Seymour: Into the woods, 

The weather's clear, 

We've been before, we've naught to fear... 

Into the woods, away from here—

****

Tidus: Into the woods, to whack a giant--! 

****

Rikku: Into the woods to Grandmother's house... 

****

Braska: Into the woods, 

The path is straight, 

No reason, then, to hesitate—

****

Seymour: Into the woods, 

It's not so late, 

It's just another journey... 

****

Yuna: Into the woods, 

But not too long: 

The skies are strange, 

The winds are strong. 

Into the woods to see what's wrong...

****

Tidus: Into the woods to slay the giant! 

****

Seymour: Into the woods to shield the child... 

****

Rikku: To flee the winds... 

****

Braska: To find a future... 

****

Seymour: To shield... 

****

Tidus: To slay... 

****

Rikku: To flee... 

****

Braska: To find... 

****

Yuna: To fix... 

****

Seymour: To hide… 

****

Rikku: To move… 

****

Tidus: To battle… 

****

Yuna: To see what the trouble is...

[_Shiva screams, offstage_.]


	15. Your Cheatin' Heart

Scene Two: Stupid Men!

[_Meanwhile in the forest, Rin and Auron meet up once again. When they ask one another what they are doing in the woods, both confess ulterior motives. _A/N: Once again, don't forget to imagine Rin's accent!]

****

Auron: High in a tower—

Like yours was, but higher—

A beauty asleep. 

All 'round the tower, 

A thicket of briar 

A hundred feet deep. 

Agony! 

No frustration more keen, 

When the one thing you want

Is a thing that you've not even seen. 

****

Rin: I've found a casket 

Entirely of glass—

No, it's unbreakable. 

Inside--don't ask it—

A maiden, alas, 

Just as unwakeable—

****

Both: What unmistakable agony! 

Is the way always barred? 

****

Rin: She has skin white as snow—

****

Auron: Did you learn her name? 

****

Rin: No, there's a dwarf standing guard. 

****

Both: Agony! 

Such that strong men must weep! 

Always in thrall most 

To anything almost, 

Or something asleep. 

****

Auron: If it were not for the thicket—

****

Rin: A thicket's no trick. Is it thick? 

****

Auron: It's the thickest. 

****

Rin: The quickest is pick it apart with a stick—

****

Auron: Yes, but even one prick-- It's my thing about blood. 

****

Rin: Well, it's sick! 

****

Auron: It's no sicker than your thing with dwarves. 

****

Rin: Dwarves. 

****

Auron: Dwarves...

****

Rin: Dwarves are very upsetting. 

****

Both: Not forgetting the tasks unachievable, 

Mountains unscalable—

If it's conceivable 

But unavailable, 

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah—

Agony! 

****

Auron: Misery! 

****

Rin: Woe! 

****

Both: Not to know what you miss. 

****

Auron: While they lie there for years—

****

Rin: And you cry on their biers—

****

Both: What unbearable bliss! 

Agony, that can cut like a knife! 

Ah well, back to my wife... 


	16. Too Much Exposition

Scene Three: Boom, Squish.

[_Braska, Seymour, and Rikku are lost. While wandering around searching for Anima, they run into Cid, Baltero, Donna, the clones, and Lulu. While they bicker, suddenly the giant (who is actually a giantess called Yunalesca) appears and demands the boy who killed her husband. They explain Tidus is not present, but Yunalesca doesn't believe them. Desperate, they look for someone to offer in place of Tidus, and settle on Maechen. He talks them out of it, saying he needs to tell the story and so cannot participate, but at the last minute, Lulu intervenes, casts slow on him, and gives him to Yunalesca. The giantess realizes it is not Tidus, and drops Maechen to his death. _

Wakka shows up, and, with his usual mental swiftness starts arguing with Yunalesca, calling her, among other things, a son of a shoopuf. To silence him, Cid hits Wakka on the head with a blitzball. It bounces off Wakka's hair, so Cid resorts to forbidden machina and shoots Wakka with an Uzi. Before dying, Wakka makes Braska promise not to let Yunalesca get Tidus. Shiva, who has been driven insane, possibly by living with Rin and hearing "May I help you?" at all hours of the day and night, runs on. Lulu tries to restrain her, but Shiva runs in the direction of the giantess, who tramples her.]

****

Lulu: This is the world I meant. 

Couldn't you listen? 

Couldn't you stay content, 

Safe behind walls 

As I could not… 

Now you know what's out there in the world. 

No one can prepare you for the world. 

Even I… 

How could I, who loved you as you were, 

How could I have shielded you from her, 

Or them? 

No matter what you say, 

Aeons won't listen. 

No matter what you know, 

Aeons refuse to learn. 

Guide them along the way, 

Still, they won't listen. 

Aeons can only grow 

From something you love, 

To something you lose! 

[_Lulu vows to find Tidus and hand him over to Yunalesca. Cid, Baltero, Donna, and the clones decide to go into hiding. Braska, Seymour, and Rikku decide to try to find Tidus and protect him. Leaving their baby with Rikku, Braska and Seymour set off in different directions hoping to find Tidus before Lulu does._]


	17. It burns, it burns!

Scene Four: The Second Most Disturbing Scene in the Fic

[_While searching for Tidus, Seymour runs into Sir Auron._]

****

Auron: Anything can happen in the woods… 

May I kiss you? 

Any moment, we could be crushed... 

Don't feel rushed.

[_He kisses Seymour. A/N: Not that I think Auron would EVER, in a million years,_

behave this way. As for Seymour, well, no comment.]

****

Seymour: This is ridiculous

What am I doing here? 

I'm in the wrong story! 

Wait, one moment please, sir! 

We can't do this... you have a…summoner. 

****

Auron: That's true. 

****

Seymour: And I have a... a shopkeeper. 

****

Auron: Of course, you're right. 

How foolish! 

Foolishness can happen in the woods… 

Once again, please. 

Let your hesitations be hushed. 

Any moment, big or small 

Is a moment after all. 

Seize the moment; skies may fall 

Any moment. 

[_Kisses Seymour, deeply_]

****

Seymour: No nononono… this is not right.

****

Auron: Right and wrong don't matter in the woods, 

Only feelings…

Let us meet the moment unblushed. 

Life is often so unpleasant, 

You must know that, as a peasant. 

Best to take a moment present 

As a present, for the moment. 

[_Auron carries Seymour off as the audience hurls or cries, depending on their relationship to Sir Auron. Meanwhile, Braska encounters Yuna at her mother's grave, now destroyed. He updates her on the situation, and persuades Yuna to return to fight Yunalesca with the others. Meanwhile, back at the previous scene, an unruffled Auron and a ruffled Seymour abruptly cease whatever they were doing._]

****

Auron: Enough. I must leave you. 

****

Seymour: Why? 

****

Auron: The giant… 

****

Seymour: Oh, yes, the giant. Will we find each other in the woods again? 

****

Auron: This was just a moment in the woods... 

Our moment. 

Shimmering and lovely and sad. 

Leave the moment, just be glad 

For the moment that we had. 

Every moment is of moment 

When you're in the woods... 

[_Auron hurries off. Seymour proceeds to straighten himself up._]

****

Seymour: What was that? 

Was that me? 

Was that him? 

Did a monk really kiss me, 

And kiss me… and kiss me… 

And did I kiss him back? 

Was it wrong? 

Am I mad? 

Was that all? 

Does he miss me? 

Was he suddenly getting bored with me? 

Wake up! 

Stop dreaming, 

Stop prancing about the woods. 

It's not beseeming. 

What is it about the woods? 

Back to life, back to sense, back to child, back to husband. 

No one lives in the woods! 

There are vows, there are ties, 

There are needs, there are standards, 

There are shouldn'ts and shoulds. 

Why not both instead? 

There's the answer, if you're clever. 

Have a child for warmth, and Braska for food,

And a monk, for… whatever… 

Never! 

It's these woods! 

Face the facts, find the boy, join the group, stop the giant—

Just get out of these woods. 

Was that him? 

Yes it was. 

Was that me? 

No it wasn't… 

Just a trick of the woods! 

Just a moment, 

One peculiar passing moment. 

Must it all be either less or more, 

Either plain or grand? 

Is it always 'or'? 

Is it never 'and'? 

That's what woods are for: 

For those moments in the woods... 

Oh, if life were made of moments, 

Even now and then a bad one--! 

But if life were only moments, 

Then you'd never know you had one. 

First a mage, then a child, then a monk, then a moment—

Who can live in the woods? 

And to get what you wish, only just for a moment—

These are dangerous woods… 

Let the moment go… 

Don't forget it for a moment, though. 

Just remembering you had an 'and,' when you're back to 'or,' 

Makes the 'or' mean more than is did before. 

Now I understand—

And it's time to leave the woods.

Or death awaits you…

[_Seymour starts back, but is obviously lost. Yunalesca appears, and panicking, Seymour falls backwards off a cliff._]

A/N: As disturbing as that was, for any of you who haven't abandoned me, the end of the fic is coming soon. I promise.


	18. Blame, blame, dodame, bananafana fo fame

Scene Five: The Blame Game

[_Braska and Yuna arrive where Rikku is waiting with the baby. She appears to have been feeding the child sugar, since it now seems to be vibrating. They await Seymour's return, but instead, Lulu arrives with Tidus in tow. She informs them that Seymour is dead. In any case, Braska is distraught, and seems ready to agree to sacrifice Tidus._]

****

Braska:It's because of you there's a giant in our midst, and my wife is dead! 

****

Tidus:But it isn't my fault, I was given those beans! 

You persuaded me to trade away my bird for beans! 

And without those beans, there'd have been no stalk 

To get up to the giant in the first place! 

****

Braska: Wait a minute, magic beans for a bird so sick 

That you had to tell a lie to sell it, which you told quick! 

Were they worthless beans? 

Didn't they fit the bill? 

Oh, and tell us who persuaded you to steal that gil! 

****

Rikku [_to Tidus_]:See, it's your fault. 

****

Tidus: No! 

****

Braska: So it's your fault… 

****

Tidus: No! 

****

Rikku: Yes, it is! 

****

Tidus: It's not! 

****

Braska: It's true. 

****

Tidus: Wait a minute, though—

I only stole the gil to get my bird back 

From you! 

****

Rikku [_to Braska_]: So it's your fault! 

****

Tidus: Yes! 

****

Braska: No, it isn't! 

I'd have kept those beans, but our house was cursed.

[_Pointing at Lulu_] She made us get a bird to get the curse reversed! 

****

Lulu: It's his father's fault that the curse got placed, 

And the place got cursed in the first place! 

****

Rikku: Oh. Then it's his fault! 

****

Lulu: So. 

****

Yuna: It was his fault… 

****

Tidus: No. 

****

Braska: Yes, it is, it's his. 

****

Yuna: I guess… 

****

Tidus: Wait a minute, though—

I chopped down the beanstalk, right? 

That's clear. 

But without any beanstalk, then what's queer 

Is how did the second giant get down here 

In the first place? ... Second place... 

****

Yuna: Yes! 

****

Rikku: How? 

****

Braska: Hmm… 

****

Tidus: Well, who had the other bean? 

****

Braska: The other bean? 

****

Yuna: The other bean? 

****

Tidus [_to Braska_]: You pocketed the other bean. 

****

Braska: I didn't! Yes, I did. 

****

Rikku: So it's your f--! 

****

Braska: No, it isn't, 'cause I gave it to Seymour! 

****

Rikku: So it's his f--! 

****

Braska: NO, IT ISN'T! 

****

Yuna: Then whose is it? 

****

Braska: Wait a minute! 

[_To Yuna_] He exchanged that bean to obtain your shoe, 

So the one who knows what happened to the bean is you! 

****

Yuna: You mean that old bean—that- that man--? 

Oh, dear-- [_as they all look at her_] 

But I never knew, and so I threw—

Well, don't look here! 

****

Rikku: So it's your fault! 

****

Yuna: But—

****

Tidus: See, it's her fault—

****

Yuna: But—

****

Tidus: And it isn't mine at all! 

****

Yuna:I'm…sorry. But-

****

Braska [_to Yuna_]: But what? 

****

Yuna [_to Tidus_]: Well, if you hadn't gone back up again—

****

Tidus: We were needy—

****

Yuna: You were greedy! 

Did you need that ball? 

****

Tidus: But I got it for Wakka—! 

****

Rikku: So it's his fault then! 

****

Yuna: Yes, and what about the spheres in the third place? 

****

Braska: The spheres--yes! 

****

Tidus [_referring to Rikku_]: She went and dared me to! 

****

Rikku: I dared you to? 

****

Tidus: You dared me to! [_To the others_] 

She said that I was scared—

****

Rikku: ME? 

****

Tidus: --to. She dared me! 

****

Rikku: No, I didn't! 

****

Braska, Yuna, Tidus: So it's your fault! 

****

Rikku: Wait a minute--! 

****

Yuna: If you hadn't dared him to—

****

Braska: [_to Tidus_] And you had left the spheres alone, 

We wouldn't be in trouble in the first place! 

****

Rikku [_to Yuna, over_]: Well, if you hadn't thrown away the bean 

In the first place--! 

It was your fault! 

****

Yuna [_referring to Lulu_]: Well, if she hadn't raised them in the first place--! 

****

Tidus [_over, to Lulu_]: Yes, if you hadn't raised them in the first place--! 

****

Rikku, Braska [_to Lulu_]: Right! It's you who raised them in the first place--! 

****

Yuna [_simultaneously_]: You raised the beans in the first place! 

****

Tidus: It's YOUR fault! 

****

Yuna, Tidus, Rikku, Braska: You're responsible! 

You're the one to blame! 

It's your fault! 

****

Lulu: Shhhhhhhhhhh!

It's the last midnight. 

It's the last wish. 

It's the last midnight, 

Soon it will be boom—

Squish! 

Told a little lie, stole a little gil, broke a little vow, 

Did you? 

[_To Yuna_] Had to get your monk, [_to Tidus_] had to buy some "chow," 

Have to get your wish, doesn't matter how... 

Anyway, it doesn't matter now. 

It's the last midnight; It's the boom—

Splat! 

Nothing but a vast midnight, 

Everybody smashed flat! 

Nothing we can do... 

Not exactly true: 

We can always give her the boy... 

[_The others move to protect Tidus_]

No? 

No, of course, what really matters is the blame. 

Somebody to blame. 

Fine, if that's the thing you enjoy, placing the blame, 

If that's the aim, give me the blame. 

Just give me the boy. 

[_No one moves_]

No? 

You're so nice. 

You're not good, you're not bad, 

You're just nice. 

I'm not good, I'm not nice, 

I'm just right. 

I'm the witch. 

You're the world. 

I'm the hitch, 

I'm what no one believes. 

I'm the witch. 

You're all liars and thieves, 

[_Pointing to Braska_] Like his father! 

[_Pointing to the baby_] Like his son will be too! 

Oh, why bother? 

You'll just do what you do! 

It's the last midnight, 

So goodbye, all. 

Coming at you fast, midnight—

Soon you'll see the sky fall! 

Here, you want a bean?

[_Lulu proceeds scattering beans on the ground_]

Have another bean. 

Beans were made for paying your wage!

[_Panicking, Braska, Rikku, and Tidus try to pick up all the beans as Lulu continues scattering them._]

Plant them and they soar—

Here, you want some more? 

Listen to the roar: 

Giants by the score--! 

Oh well, you can blame another mage. 

It's the last midnight, 

It's the last verse. 

Now, before it's past midnight, 

I'm leaving you my last curse: 

I'm leaving you alone. 

You can tend the garden, it's yours. 

Separate and alone, 

Everybody down on all fours. 

All right, Mother, when? 

Lost the beans again! 

Punish me the way you did then! 

Give me claws and a hunch,

Just away from this bunch 

And the gloom 

And the doom 

And the boom 

Cruuuunch! 

[_With a crash Lulu is able to cast a massive spell, and in the process disappears, leaving the others alone, hunting for the lost beans._]

****

Tidus [_crying_]: I'll never eat a green bean again!

****

Rikku: Snap out of it, you byhco.

[_Braska can't take it anymore. He leaves his son in Yuna's arms and runs off, leaving the rest alone to face Yunalesca._]


	19. Pretty nonspoofed chapter

Scene Six: Braska sucks it up

[_Before Braska gets very far, he runs into Maester Mika. Mika has some choice words for his son. Braska is in no mood to listen, however._]

Braska: No more questions, please. 

No more tests. 

Comes the day you say, 

'What for?' 

Please... no more. 

Maester Mika: We disappoint, we disappear, we die, but we don't. 

They disappoint in turn, 

I fear, 

Forgive, though, they won't. 

Braska: No more riddles. 

No more jests. 

No more curses you can't undo, left by fathers you never knew. 

No more quests. 

No more feelings. 

Time to shut the door. 

Just... 

No more. 

Maester Mika: Running away, let's do it. 

Free from the ties that bind. 

No more despair, or burdens to bear, 

Out there in the yonder. 

Running away, go to it. 

Where did you have in mind? 

Have to take care... unless there's a 'where', 

You'll only be wandering blind. 

Just more questions... different kind. 

Where are we to go?

Where are we ever to go? 

Running away, we'll do it. 

Why sit around, resigned? 

Trouble is, son, the farther you run, 

The more you'll be wandering blind. 

For what you have left undone, and more, 

What you've left behind. 

We disappoint, we leave a mess, we die, but we don't. 

Braska: We disappoint in turn, I guess. 

Forget, though, we won't. 

Both: Like father, like son. 

[_Braska tries to send Maester Mika, but he disappears first_.]

Braska: No more giants waging war! 

Can't we just pursue our lives, with our children and our wives, 

'Til that happy day arrives, how do you ignore 

All the mages, all the curses, 

All the fiends, all the lies, the false hopes, the good-byes, 

The reverses, 

All the wondering what even worse is still in store! 

All the children. 

All the giants… 

No more. 

[_Braska finally decides to return to the group. The others are where he left them, trying fruitlessly to think of a plan. Yuna summons the Magus sisters, who report Yunalesca's location. The group then decides to spread pitch on the ground to catch the giantess, and then slay her from behind. Or something to that effect. In any case, Yuna stays with the baby, Rikku goes to spread the pitch and Braska and Tidus climb a tree to draw Yunalesca into their trap. Meanwhile, Sir Auron wanders through. Yuna confronts him with his infidelity and tells him she cannot return with him. He is puzzled and a little saddened, but leaves her in the woods. Rikku returns upset by the new knowledge that her grandmother is gone. Braska breaks the news to Tidus that Wakka is dead. Both Rikku and Tidus have trouble coping with their respective losses._]

Yuna: Mother cannot guide you. 

Now you're on your own. 

Only me beside you. 

Still, you're not alone. 

No one is alone. 

Truly. 

No one is alone. 

Sometimes people leave you 

Halfway through the wood. 

Others may deceive you. 

You decide what's good. 

You decide alone. 

But no one is alone.

Rikku: I wish… 

Yuna: I know. 

Mother isn't here now. 

Braska: Wrong things, right things. 

Yuna: Who knows what she'd say? 

Braska: Who can say what's true? 

Yuna: Nothing's quite so clear now. 

Braska: Do things, fight things, 

Yuna: Feel you've lost your way? 

Braska: You decide, but 

Both: You are not alone. 

Yuna: Believe me, 

Both: No one is alone 

Yuna: Truly

Both: You move just a finger, 

Say the slightest word, 

Something's bound to linger, 

Be heard. 

People make mistakes. 

Braska: Fathers,

Yuna: Mothers, 

Both: People make mistakes, 

Holding to their own, 

Thinking they're alone. 

Yuna: Honor their mistakes—

Braksa: Fight for their mistakes—

Yuna: Everybody makes—

Both: One another's terrible mistakes. 

Mages can be right, giants can be good. 

You decide what's right, you decide what's good. 

Yuna: Just remember:

Braska: [_echo_] Just remember: 

Both: Someone is on your side. 

Tidus, Rikku: OUR side. 

Braska, Yuna: Our side—

Someone else is not. 

While we're seeing our side—

Tidus, Rikku: Our side… 

Braska, Yuna: Our side—

All: Maybe we forgot: they are not alone. 

No one is alone. 

Yuna: Hard to see the light now. 

Braska: Just don't let it go. 

Both: Things will come out right now. 

We can make it so. 

Someone is on your side—

[_Yunalesca arrives and the band succeed in slaying her with a couple overdrives. Eventually all the remaining main characters (Rikku, Tidus, Yuna, and Braska) decide to live as one happy family. The dead (Who at this point are all unsent, since none of the summoners have seen fit to perform a sending in all the chaos) return to speak their final piece before Yuna sends them on their way to the Farplane. _] 


	20. Wishes are children

Epilogue

**Wakka**: Da slotted spoon CAN catch da potato, ya?

Maester Mika: Every knot was once straight rope…

Auron, Rin: The harder to wake, the better to have…

Crusader, Shelinda [_Yawning_]: Excuse me.

Cid: The greater the good, the harder the blow…

Donna: [_Glaring at Baltero_] When going to hide, know how to get there.

Baltero: And how to get back...

Clones: And eat first...

Anima: The knife that is sharp today may be dull by tomorrow...

Shiva: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...

Braska: Maybe I just wasn't meant to have children—

Seymour: Don't say that! Of course you were meant to have children...

Braska: But how will I go about being a father with no one to mother my child?

Seymour: Just calm the child.

Braska: Yes, calm the child.

Seymour: Look, tell him the story of how it all happened. Be father and mother, you'll know what to do.

Braska: Alone…

Seymour: Sometimes people leave you

Halfway through the wood.

Do not let it grieve you,

No one leaves for good.

You are not alone.

No one is alone.

Hold him to the light now,

Let him see the glow.

Things will be all right now.

Tell him what you know...

Braska: Shhh.

Once upon a time...

In a land called Spira...

Lived a young summoner...

A sad young blitzer…

And a childless shopkeeper...with his wife.

Lulu [_simultaneously with Braska_]: Careful the things you say,

Children will listen.

Careful the things you do,

Children will see.

And learn.

Children may not obey,

But children will listen.

Children will look to you

For which way to turn,

To learn what to be.

Careful before you say,

"Listen to me."

Children will listen.

Company: Careful the wish you make,

Wishes are children.

Careful the path they take,

Wishes come true,

Not free.

Careful the spell you cast,

Not just on aeons.

Sometimes the spell may last

Past what you can see

And turn against you...

Lulu: Careful the tale you tell.

That is the spell.

Children will listen...

Company [_in three groups: round_]:

Though it's fearful,

Though it's deep, though it's dark

And though you may lose the path,

Though you may encounter fiends,

You can't just act,

You have to listen.

You can't just act,

You have to think.

Though it's dark,

There are always fiends,

There are always spells,

There are always beans,

Or a giant dwells there.

[_Unison_]

So into the woods you go again,

You have to every now and then.

Into the woods, no telling when,

Be ready for the journey.

Into the woods, but not too fast or what you wish, you lose at last.

Into the woods, but mind the past.

Into the woods, but mind the future.

Into the woods, but not to stray,

Or tempt the fiends, or steal from the giant—

The way is dark,

The light is dim,

But now there's you, me, her, and him.

The chances look small,

The choices look grim,

But everything you learn there

Will help when you return there.

Braska, Tidus, Yuna, Rikku: The light is getting dimmer…

Braska: I think I see a glimmer—

All: Into the woods--you have to grope,

But that's the way you learn to cope.

Into the woods to find there's hope

Of getting through the journey.

Into the woods, each time you go,

There's more to learn of what you know.

Into the woods, but not too slow—

Into the woods, it's nearing midnight—

Into the woods to mind the fiend,

To heed the mage, to honor the giant,

To mind, to heed, to find, to think, to teach, to join,

To go to the Festival!

Into the woods,

Into the woods,

Into the woods,

Then out of the woods—

And happy ever after!

Yuna: I wish...

The End

Author's Notes: This fic was originally written as a present for a specific person, so it is not the most creative or thourough writing I've ever done. However, I was encouraged to post it by others, so I did. Thank you for those who liked it - I left the finale as is, basically, because I think it's a wonderful show, and there was no good way to end it in a humorous vein without completely re-writing. Thank you to everyone who left a review, positive or critical - it's nice to know someone is reading this stuff, as weird as it is.


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